Abba, The Album

Let's face it, albums need to be judged by their own criteria for success, and by that reasoning, Abba is good for one thing and one thing only: getting your soused in-laws dancing at your wedding, thus briefly distracting them from you, your faults and when you're going to give them some grandkids to spoil. Yes, from half-formed memories of having your diaper changed while your mother hummed along to "Fernando", to your prom and to your grave, Abba will be at your side at every step you take through life, ever spiralling towards dust and "Thank You For The Music". So, against their own standards, how does "The Album" match up against other Abba oeuvres? Not well. Too much mid-tempo sentimental clompity-clomp, not enough "Waterloo". In fact, no "Waterloo" at all! Can you conceive of taking the time to listen to an entire Abba album (not a greatest hits, mind you, but a proper LP) without even having "Waterloo" in which to nurse your wounds for three minutes? It's weird hearing vapid pop music that uses 70's classic rock chord progressions. I keep waiting for a Roger Waters guitar solo during "Eagle". I had the treble on my headphones turned up far too high while listening to this record, so when the girls' vocals on "Take A Chance On Me" kicked in I felt as though rusty steakknives were being twisted into my eardrums. Don't let this happen to you! And holy shit! What the hell is happening with the spoken intro to "Move On"? Take a look at these words:

"They say a restless body can hide a peaceful soul
A voyager and a settler, they both have a distant goal
If I explore the heavens or if I search inside
Well it really doesn't matter as long as I can tell myself I've always tried"

...And then remind yourself that they're being SPOKEN, not sung, by a bearded Swede named Bjorn. Think long and hard about that as you lie awake in bed at night, concentrating very intently on how no one will ever really love you.

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